The Chaos of Clutter

I am the Queen of Clutter. I am trying to change my ways, but damn, is it challenging!

Clutter pisses me off. It fogs my mind and mimics the feelings I would get when I was severely depressed. I have no doubt in my mind that the clutter was a contributing factor in my depression. It certainly didn’t help matters any.

Imagine all of your physical clutter and multiply it by 48. The amount that you are imagining were my thoughts on a daily basis. I let these thoughts control me, and eventually, they debilitated me. Like a neverending junk drawer; but in my mind. Fortunately, I now have the tools and energy to work through this clutter mentally and physically.

I still get comfortable in the discomfort of clutter. I thrive off of routine, but because of this, I resist it. I resist what helps me succeed because of fear. The beautiful thing about this is that I now realize this when it is happening. I am no longer in denial, and I understand when I am letting things get out of hand.

Now, I look fear and shame in the face and stand up to it. I work hard to challenge my thought patterns. I get up, get dressed, and get shit done. Before, I wouldn’t even get up. I may not get everything on my mental to-do list done, but I do my best every single day.

The thing about clutter is that it isn’t just negative or annoying, it is much more than that. Each piece of clutter holds meaning to me. I am a very sentimental person. I love trinkets and little items I can hold in my hand. I don’t know why, but if something is small and shiny, it automatically holds more value to me.

A few months ago my sister gave me a package of 12 glitter gel pens. You heard that right, GEL PENS! The nostalgia is real, 90s kids! After many weeks of use, one finally ran out of ink. I was sad. I pouted for a good 2 minutes after the fact. I even contemplated keeping it because I loved it so much.

Yes, I knew that the logical solution was to throw the pen away. It had it’s time in my life, and I needed to let it go. But I sure didn’t want to. I was resistant and tried to come up with a valid reason to keep it. I ended up throwing it away and moved on with my life. I don’t miss the pen; I understand that I have plenty left and can get more if I run out.

I didn’t always think this way. It may seem like common sense to some, but not me. I literally have to retrain my brain every single day. The pen incident has happened countless times, but with different items. The outcome was always the same, I never gave up the item.

Moral of the story: don’t keep the pen. If it is not glittery, joyful, or functional – let that ish go.